The only thing that could have possibly made her speech better, was if Beyonce did an interpretive dance along to it and/or riffed every punch line.
- “Feels right to have a woman following President Obama, doesn’t it?” Yes, yes it does. Let’s get more ladies reppin’ in politics, amiright?
- “I’m also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years, so, we finally made it, straight people.” We’ve worked, like, so hard to get here, you know? #blessed
- “Just because I’m a woman, doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on you people. I’m going to go easy on you people because my brain is smaller.” Science.
- “Ok I promise, since I’m only a comedian, I’m not gonna try to tell you politicians how to do politics, or whatever. Um, that’s not my job. That’d be like you guys telling me what to do with my body. I mean, can you even imagine?” Listen, a coat hanger is like a 3% viable and not infection prone option, k?
- “Let’s give it up for the secret service…they’re the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.” Boom.
- “Now Fox News has been losing a lot of viewers lately, and may they rest in peace.” Awwweeeeeee. Luurrrrve you gparents.
- “And what can I say about Brian Williams? Nothing, because I work for NBC.” Lolzzz.
- “But just because Aaron Schock resigned, doesn’t mean there aren’t any smokin’ hot congressmen left, I mean, looking out tonight, I see so many tens! Well, Washington tens. So, New York fours…Indiana 30’s?” Swipe left.
- “Now, it’s been a great year for women, as always. This year, representatives from Hobby Lobby said they didn’t want to pay for employees’ health care if it covered things like contraceptives. Which is weird cause all I asked him was ‘what aisle is the yarn in?’ Actually though, I do love Hobby Lobby. I went there this morning and I just bought the cutest little wicker basket to hold all my morning after pills!” I crocheted the cutest stocking to store mine! Girl power!
- “I want all the media to put their hands up and swear something to me this election season, ok? I solemnly swear…not to talk about Hillary’s appearance…because that is not journalism.” Yes…yes…so much yes.
- “But Hillary has her work cut out for her. Her democratic challengers are a who’s who of who’s that. Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Silas Phelps, Peter Wilks. Now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but you didn’t even notice, did you? How bout that?” Truth.
- “Enough talk about 2016, let’s talk about the most important person in the room, my leader, the person I’m so glad is in the White House, Michelle Obama.” FLOTUS. SO MUCH LOVE.
- “And of course, Mr. President, thank you so much for taking time away from Jimmy Kimmel to be here…it’s amazing to be seated with the President having this fancy dinner, and I know this must have cost a ton of food stamps, so thank you.” #BLESSEDBYBAE
- “The President and I grew up together…we would just miss three pointers till sundown, when of course we’d have to stop and pray to Mecca. Mmm. But those were simpler times…you said it yourself, we can’t solve these problems by holding hands and singing ‘kumbaya.’ Kumbaya, of course, is the village in Africa where the President was born.” Know ur facts, America.
- “Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.” Mic drop.
For the record, I have a mad lady crush on Cecily Strong.