20 Winter Outfit Ideas That Aren’t Real

In the six years I’ve lived in Minnesota, I’ve come to the realization that what the rest of the world defines as “winter” and what is actually “winter” are two very different things.  Here, winter means never exiting your home unless it is a life or death matter, or unless you have abso-fruitly used up the last drop of shampoo and if you don’t get your ass to Target it’ll be a work day looking like you dragged Crisco through your hair.  There’s no such thing as looking “cute” or stylish from the months of December through April.  And April’s even pushing it.  I say you should never get excited until Memorial Day because the moment you do, the clouds decide that’s the time to crap a blizzard.

On a daily basis, I sit here in my Minneapolis abode wondering if it’s worth it to bundle up to walk my dog or just let him outside leash-less to take a shit on the front sidewalk (we don’t have a fence and apparently letting your dog “roam” is illegal here – thanks neighbor for the billionth reminder).  Usually Netflix has a role in that decision, but that’s neither here nor there.

Now, with extreme weather and constant indoor confinement comes an affinity for all things internet.  I spend my evenings cursing TV networks for not releasing new episodes daily.  And like every female on the planet, I’m no stranger to Pinterest, and I quite enjoy following style bloggers and magazines – they give me ample opportunities to collect images of things I both want and will never be able to afford, so it’s really productive.  But as I was scrolling through perfectly photographed bedrooms of bloggers who have clearly never had a dog or they simply wouldn’t own an all-white sheet set, I came across a photo of an absolutely stunning, I-want-it-now, coat of coats (see below).  I was enraptured.  Do I dare add another heap of debt to my credit card for reasons completely unrelated to vanity (wut, jk, it’s all about dat vanity), or do I restrain since there’s absolutely no possible way to wear the coat for at least eight more months?  And then I saw the caption.

04-atlantic-pacific-h724

“Insert color into the last dreary weeks of winter with a checkered coat and red accessories.”

Minnesotans are all like “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s not winter, B!” (Although you seem like a nice person).

First, no fucking way could anyone wear that coat here without at least two sweaters, a face mask, a scarf, gloves and mittens, and another coat on top of it, and probably five hats and a bear on standby to cuddle you and keep your body temperature non-hypothermic (in this world all bears are cuddly and it’s my world so whatever).  Second, heels are the devil’s plaything year-round, but in winter in Minnesota, wearing heels is basically like walking off a cliff with a smile on your face raising your hand to wave with a little “toodle-oo!” rolling off your tongue.  They may look nice, but they mean death.  I can’t even wear normal flat boots that in any other part of the country could be used for hiking because it’s so goddamn icy here.

Out of sheer curiosity, and also a tinge of “ha-ha who even wrote this dumb caption” mentality, I clicked on the link.  It brought me to Glamour.com which is supposed to be reputable, right? Because their offices in NYC totally experience winter storms, right? APPARENTLY NOT. BYE FELICIA. I’M OVER YOUR LIES.

EXHIBIT A:

01-pernille-theisbaek-vanessa-jackman-h724

“Use a metallic belt to define the waist of a thick blanket coat.”

I’m sorry, G, but this is what we call a light sweater.

EXHIBIT B:

02-blonde-salad-h724

“Channel après-ski style off the slopes with a chunky knit sweater, cropped white jeans, and black loafers.”

Who even comes up with these ideas?  Have you ever been anywhere near somewhere that offers skiing of the winter variety?  LOAFERS ARE NOT IDEAL.  Also, it appears her pants are tied up the sides (which, if they are anything like the khaki version I wore in the 7th grade, girlfriend is straight up FREEZING).

EXHIBIT C:

06-camille-over-the-rainbow-h724

“For warmer days, layer a sleeveless coat over an oxford shirt and jeans.”

What’s it like to have a warm winter day? I’ve always wondered. I suppose a girl can dream.

To be fair, there were about two “sort of” winter-ish outfit ideas that could maybe possibly on a day with heavy sunshine work.  Maybe…if you bring that bear back into the picture.

11-laura-love-adam-katz-h724

15-fashionista-h724

For more Glamour winter ideas for people whose idea of winter is a balmy 50 degrees, check out the full slideshow here!  And for everyone else, I find that excessive chocolate binges hide quite nicely under those bulky sweaters we all have to wear.  Bon appetit!

 

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One thought on “20 Winter Outfit Ideas That Aren’t Real

  1. The sexiest woman on the planet can wear a parka, hat, and snow pants and still exude fun and desirability. Mostly, because she’s laughing and throwing snowballs at hot guys. Just a little tip from a former Midwesterner.

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