Things NOT to Say to an Unwed Pregnant Woman

I don’t know if it’s because I’m out of college and suddenly a million people I know are popping out kids, but it seems like everyone is preggo.  Or was preggo and now has an infant waddling around their legs (and wearing some disgustingly adorable pumpkin costume or matching mom/daughter sweater combo).  THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE WATER, I swear.

Everywhere I look, I see baby bumps.  Mostly that’s because I’m seeing them on the cover of US Weekly and People (OMG IS THAT A BABY?!?! Oh wait, no thats just her shirt fluttering in the wind.  Or maybe it’s what she actually looks like when she allows herself to eat a burrito?  Thought of that one? Eh? Because if it were me on the cover, it would be assumed I was the next octo-mom.  Whatever.)

So in light of all of these little miracles gettin’ made and sproutin’ limbs inside wombs around the world, I got to thinking about the “conventions” of having a kid.  Today it’s considered far more normal and acceptable for a couple to have a baby before or in lieu of getting married – look at Brangelina!  Those peeps had like a million before finally tying the knot.  And then you’ve got single moms who want a kid but just haven’t found the right man – so it’s off to the bank of sperm they go!  And on and on and on and on…

But being in in the Midwest also means you have a delicate balance between socially liberal and conservative mindsets.  While I’m totally chill with the idea of someone having a baby whenevs, someone like my mom is a bit more traditional.  Of course she’d love my kid if I got preggo tomorrow, but it’d take her awhile to come down from her “you know, I just don’t agree with that lifestyle” soap box.  She’s told me time and time again that even if I was engaged and living with a significant other, if we were visiting her we’d be sleeping in separate bedrooms.  Which is probably a good thing anyways since I find it a bit creepy to have sex in your childhood Disney sheets surrounded by your high school soccer trophies and posters of Nsync.  But I digress.

I started thinking about what one would or should say to a newly pregnant unwed mother-to-be.  I mean, what IS the norm?  Obviously congratulations are in order, but did they plan it? Was it an “oops” sitch?  Are they happy? Embarassed? Excited?  OH MY GOD IT IS SO CONFUSING.

Worry not, for I have compiled a list of all the things you absolutely positively should never ever ever say to an unwed pregnant chic.  Never.  Because they are, simply put, uncomfortable on all levels.  I figured this way, if you know what NOT to say, it’ll be that much easier to say something acceptable!  Maybe you’ll even say something perfect! (Awwwwwww).

What NOT to Say to Unwed Pregnant Women:

“Ohhh, were you trying?”

“Did the condom break?”

“You know, they sell plan b over the counter now.”

“Um, so is it gonna have your last name, or his?  Because the whole not-being-married-thing is really confusing me.”

“Do your parents know you’ve had sex?  Well, I mean obviously they have to know now.  God, that must be awkward.”

“Hey congrats – you beat teen pregnancy!”

“You know, it’s probably a good thing you got knocked up.  Age can often be a contributing factor to things like autism and down syndrome.  Wouldn’t want to risk that just to get a ring on it!”

“It’s okay, Jesus hung out with prostitutes.  I’m sure he’ll forgive you for sex before marriage.  Well, someday anyways.”

AAAAAAAND cut.

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