Things You Couldn’t Pay Me To Do

This weekend I went on a bit of a movie binge.  My boyfriend and I went to see Gravity and Captain Phillips.  So basically, we ended up in dire need of a few Scooby Doo reruns to battle the depression seeping through our veins (and the adrenaline hangover).  I’m almost positive I could have been hired by Jiffy Lube for all the sweat that expelled from my hands.  It was a super sexual experience (RE: was not at all).

Anyways.  The movies were incredible – major thumbs up, and I would absolutely recommend dropping the 10 buckeroos to go see them.  So I was pleased and walked away happy – phenomenal acting, excellent effects, blah, blah, blah.  The more important piece I’d like to discuss is how I walked out of each movie reflecting on the fact that there is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL you could get me to board a spaceship and catapult into space and/or get chummy with pirates.  No siree Bob.  Uh-uh.

In light of this realization, I started thinking about all the things in this world that I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever do.  Ever.  Eva-eva (for-eva-eva? fo-eva-eva?).  Offer me immediate payment of all student loans, offer me the chance to never work again in my life and to travel the world, offer me a magical device that picks up my dog’s poop without me having to touch/smell/see it – I still wouldn’t do it.  (Okay, wait…that whole magical poop picker upper sounds pretty damn appealing…I’d have to give it a second thought).

I bring you my list of Never Would I Ever(s):

  • Go to space.  Hell.  No.  I can get my anti-gravity fix from those things called rollercoasters.  Scares the living ish outta me anyways, and – bonus! – I’m not risking my oxygen supply.
  • Captain a cargo ship through pirate-infested waters.  Um…ya, no.  I prefer to keep my mingling with pirates through the eyes of Johnny Depp.
  • Wash skyscraper windows.  I pretty much have a panic attack whenever it’s washing season here in cubeland and I suddenly look up from my computer to see a man standing on a rickety metal ledge dangling from very precarious looking strings of dental floss.  Those guys better have some serious benefits packages, that’s all I’ve gotta say.
  • Surf in shark-infested waters.  WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH YOU, DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!?
  • Bungee jump.  You know how the chances of someone’s bungee breaking are pretty much one in a million?  Well, in the wise words of Dumb & Dumber

Lloyd: I want to ask you a question… straight out, flat out… and I want you to give me an honest answer. What do you think the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me… ending up together?

Mary: Well Lloyd… that’s difficult to say… you really don’t…

Lloyd: Hit me! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

Mary: Not good.

Lloyd: [Gulps] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary: I’d say more like… one out of a million.

Lloyd: So you’re telling me there’s a chance. Yeah!

I rest my case.

  • Eat sardines.  Nope.  Already gagging just thinking about it.  One time, my friend threw a Fear Factor themed birthday party.  We had to taste stuff with our eyes closed.  I drew the “sardines” straw.  Instead of eating it, I started dry heaving and sobbing and ran inside to the bathroom.  I was 14.  Sorry for partying.
  • Jump off the high dive.  Olympic sports should be reserved for Olympians.  I’ve got my own Clean The Plate Club talents to be concerned with, okay?

You know what I’m not afraid of?  Scrapbooking.

Just call me Chuck Norris.


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