Today for lunch I decided that the very best thing for my health would be to eat Chinese food. Because apparently I’m masochistic and enjoy sitting on the toilet all afternoon.
So I strolled on over to Asia Wok, fantasizing about inhaling MSG and anxious about what my fortune cookie would promise me. Fame? Fortune? Love? Or something really fucking dumb like that one time I was told “you’re fortune is on its way” (what the actual fuck)?
I stepped up to the counter, ordered a rice bowl, and as I was about to choose the deliciously fried and sticky orange chicken smoldering right below my gaze, the little lady behind the counter decided that grilled chicken would do. She scooped a ladle of teriyaki on top and then packaged it up and turned to the next person in line.
Oh. Right. Well. I mean, I can take a hint I guess.
YO, B. I WANTED REALLY FATTY/GREASY/STICKY/DELISH/HORRIBLE FOR ME/HEART ATTACK INDUCING/DIABETIC COMA PREREQUISITE/ARTERY CLOGGING CHINESE FOOD. If I wanted to eat something healthy I would have. Now serve me some real food. FO FREE.
Oh, you already swiped my card. Oh. Ok. Right. Well. I mean, I can take a hint.
So now I’m sitting at my lovely little cube feeling precisely the opposite of satisfied and fantasizing about all the food I could have eaten instead. And as a result, I spent the last 20 minutes coming up with alternate lyrics to “Savages” from Pocahontas.
I’m kind of a prodigy, so don’t feel bad about yourself. Simon Cowell will probs be ringing my digits any minute now to hire me for his next boy band/opera star/pop star/whatever’s popular next month’s song writer.
For reference, here are the original lyrics:
They’re savages! Savages!
Barely even human
Drive them from our shore!
They’re not like you and me
Which means they must be evil
We must sound the drums of war!
They’re savages! Savages!
Dirty redskin devils!
Now we sound the drums of war!
And for shits and giggles, let’s pretend all the characters are starving because they just realized the only thing Pocahontas and her talking willow tree have to offer is corn and all they want is some FUCKING FRIED ORANGE CHICKEN. Should’ve picked a different continent, I guess. Whatever.
I want sandwiches! Sandwiches!
Split top wheat and mayo.
Next add to-ma-to!
Now slap some turkey on
Then slice some avacados
We will make a feast for sure!
WE WANT sandwiches! Sandwiches!
Delicious cheese and pickles!
We eat so we can’t fit through doors!
…I still wish I’d eaten that damn orange chicken.
- A Few Valuable Life Lessons from ‘Pocahontas’ (psychcentral.com)
- 5 Unique Riffs on Chinese Food in Los Angeles (kcet.org)
- I Swear, They Put Opium in the Chinese Food (lukemeup.wordpress.com)