A Brief Guide To Girls Vs. Guys

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  Words couldn’t be more true. 

For your Friday delight, I have broken down a few basic daily occurances – and spelled out the differences between a girls’ response/reaction and a guys’.  Now, these are of course not always the case (i.e. I despise the act of cooking and am beyond ecstatic to be dating someone who thoroughly enjoys it – and is good at it).  I do not have a penis so I won’t claim to be all-knowing on the male front.  However, stereotypes are almost always based in some truth.  So I shall shamelessly make blanket statements for males and females around the world.  Sue me.  But don’t, actually.  I’m broke as shit and can’t afford that.  K, thx.

Texting (responses to “what are you up to?”):

Girls: “Not too much, just watchin a little TV with the pup [insert flirty emoticon HERE]. How about you?”

Guys: “Just chillin. U?”

Eating:

Girls (when guy is present): “That was delicious, but I’m stuffed.  Do you want the rest? [Insert coy/shy/puppy dog look].”

Guys (when girl is present): “[Nom-nom-nom-nom-breathe-nom-nom-nom].”

Girls (when alone or with girlfriends): “You gonna eat that? Cool, yeah I’ll take it.  Hey, let’s go grab some fro yo.  It’s basically eating air.  Except you HAVE to try that new brownie overload flavor.  Holy God.”

Guys (when alone or with guy friends): “[Nom-nom-nom-nom-breathe-nom-nom-nom].”

Watching a horror film:

Girls (with guy): “[Insert girly/dainty squeals of fear, cover eyes/mouth in shock and fear, turn into guy to feel protected and thereby provide an excuse for him to envelop you in his arm(s)].”

Guys (with girl): “[Avoids all reactions to all plot twists and manages to contain self when jumpy part occurs so as to appear macho and protective and not at all scared].”

Girls (alone or with friends): “WHAT THE FUCK.  DON’T GO IN THERE YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. [Insert bloody murder scream].”

Guys (alone or with friends): “Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. [Insert girly scream of actual terror – for reference, see Nick from ‘New Girl’ attending a haunted house].”

Referencing sex:

Girls: “He was so sweet.  We made love all night and cuddled and then he made me breakfast.”

Guys: “Yeah dude.  She was hot.  She totally offered to give me a beej, no questions asked.  It was awesome.”

Drinking:

Girls: Appletinis.  End of story.  And then there’s the occasional “craft brew drinker” who is lying and really really really wants that fucking appletini but wants to come across as edgy and “one of the guys.”

Guys: Beer. Shots. Tequila. G&T. Insert any and all manly drinks that may or may not appear in any given ‘Mad Men’ episode.  But deep inside, he also really really really wants that fucking appletini.  Because it’s orgasmically delicious.  And there’s nothing better than drinking liquid candy.  I rest my case.

Laundry:

Girls: One load for darks.  One for lights.  One for whites.  One for delicates.  One pile to handwash.  Only tshirts and jeans and towels allowed in dryer.  Hang all other items.  Repeat.

Guys: Throw all of it in one washer and hope for the best.  Doesn’t quite fit?  Shove it in.

Shopping (rule: NEVER take your significant other shopping unless it is for a VERY specific purpose):

Girls: “Babe, what do you think of these?” [Stands in front of mirror as significant other glances in despair at 12 other pairs of jeans left to try on].

Guys: “I’m gonna run to the Apple store.” [Finds nearest bar, orders beer, watches game].

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