When I was in college I inevitably experienced that annual “oh shit” moment when I realized I didn’t have a summer job. I would scour online postings and all the overcrowded bulletin boards around campus hoping something would catch my eye. And the one thing that always did? Ads for “advocacy” for human rights/rights for women/blah blah blah.
“MAKE $$$$ HELPING (insert charity/cause here) – MAKE YOUR SUMMER JOB ONE YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT! FLEXIBLE HOURS! MAKE YOUR OWN SCHEDULE! BE YOUR OWN BOSS!”
Who wouldn’t be turned on by that? I’m so turned on right now reading it that I may or may not need to change my underwear. I’m just saying.
But then there’s the catch – the piece of the puzzle they don’t tell you in all caps on a bright neon flier. It’s the part where you realize you have to stand on a street corner in rain or shine or sleet or hail or a fucking blizzard and approach people ALL DAY LONG hoping they’ll give you a minute to run your mouth about your organization’s “good deeds.” Then comes the really fun part: you get to ask them for a “donation.” Money. Moola. Dem dolla dolla bills, y’all. Then – and only then – do you get a paycheck. IT’S ALL COMMISSION, BITCHES. And you can’t even rely on constant customers like that American Eagle job you had back in high school. Nuh-uh. Good luck motha fuckaaaa.
So I never took the job. Obvi. I spent my summers doing other fun things like perpetually smelling like onions from being a “sandwich artist” at a Potbelly and gaining a bunch of weight from eating non-stop bread at the Buca di Bepo I hosted at. I can sense your jealously and I don’t blame you. Not everyone can be as cool as me.
So, we fast foward a few years. I’m working in corporate Amurrrica, walking all around downtown – up and down the streets going to meetings, getting lunch, taking the occasional boredom stroll to Target, you name it. And lo and behold, once the weather improved from death on the frozen tundra to balmy/sticky/sweaty summer, the advocates came out to play.
They’re here EVERY SINGLE DAY and I am consequently bombarded like Justin Bieber in a crowd of screaming tweens. I would feel awesome except these people aren’t talking to me just to get close to my weird tattoos and can’t-decide-if-I’m-straight-leopard-car. They want mah cash monaaaay. Which I have none of (see inside of fridge: sriracha).
It’s always the same shit, different day…
“Hi there! Do you have a minute for gay rights?”
You would think at some point they’d learn to recognize the peeps walking like someone just lit a burning match to their ass to get to a meeting on time. Hint: those humans DO NOT have time to chat. But alas, they do not comprehend.
When you’re bombarded by this question on the daily, you can’t help but become highly sarcastic and let the amount of fucks you give drop to zero. And when that happens, creativity ensues. Next time you’re attacked by the do-gooders of the world (who are undoubtedly regretting they ever took this job), why not try something new? Why just mumble a “no thanks” when you could spice things up?!?!
- “Hi there! Got a a hot minute?” No, but I do have a cold one. Would you like that?
- “Hello! Do you have a second for gay rights?” Shoot. You know, I did, but it just passed.
- “Hi! Can I talk to you for a minute about the environment?” Oh, sure. (*looks down at watch*) Ok…aaaand…go! One minute!
- “Got a minute for gay rights?” (*Enthusiastically shakes hands with rep*) Thank you so much for all you do! I support your cause! Thank you! Have a great day! (*Walks away whistling*).
- “Hi miss! Can I talk to you for a second about the Children’s Fund?” I would say yes, but you’ve already asked me that question twice today.
- “Well hello there! Got a minute to chat?” Sorry. No money. Filing for bankruptcy. Thank you. Good day.
- “Hi! Do you have a moment to talk about gay rights?” (*Pretend to only speak American Sign Language*).
- “Hello! Got a second to chat?” (*Clasps hand on human’s shoulder*) I just want you to know that Jesus loves you. (*Walks away*).
- “Hi – can you chat for a moment about the Children’s Fund?” (*Stops and stares without saying a single word*).
- “Hello! Got a moment to talk about the environment?” (*Yell at top of lungs*) HELP! HELP ME! OH GOD, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!