Summer Fashion Statements I Will Never Understand

In the summer, the clothes come off and the fashion faux pas come out to play.  I beg you to refrain.

  1. Socks with sandals.  NO.  There is never a time when this is okay.  If you can’t stand not wearing socks, then for fuck’s sake just wear a pair of tennis shoes.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.
  2. Capri leggings under a skirt.  Capris look good on almost no one.  And putting a jean skirt over it doesn’t make it better.  If it’s chafing you’re concerned about, do as I do and swipe some deodorant between your thighs of wonder.  It will change your life (and consequently cause me less vision damage).
  3. Scarves.  HOW ARE YOU NOT SWEATING BALL SACKS RIGHT NOW?!  I’m wearing a tank top and it’s possible people are confusing my underarm sweat for participation in a wet t-shirt contest.
  4. Midriff tops on people who should not be wearing midriff tops.  It ain’t cute, peeps.  The only person who could possibly rock a midriff while simultaneously sweating profusely is Britney Spears circa “I’m a Slave 4 U.”  She also did, like, a million crunches and sit ups a day to get her abs of steel.  And then she went crazy and shaved her head.  So…there’s that.
  5. White rubber flip flops (particularly on men).  There is a time and place for these things, and it is confined to the beach, the pool, or the safety of your home.  I once went on a date with this guy who showed up wearing checkered shorts (fine…nothing wrong with that), a bright blue polo, and WHITE RUBBER FLIP FLOPS.  I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize we were going to spend the next hour at the YWCA locker room.  Did you bring a picnic for us to eat?  No?  We’re just people watching?  Well, that should be interesting.
  6. Visors.  Unless you are spending the day at the golf course or it’s a required piece of your uniform, why the shit would you ever wear a visor?  It’s literally pointless.  Your face will stay sun exposure free, but your scalp is still going to get murdered.  And then it will flake off and look all sorts of cute.  I’m sure the dates will start rolling in.  Unless they already have since you’ve been wearing that hot hat.  I mean, I too am just really into 70 year old grandmothers, so I totally get it.  Also, Target made the mistake of selling these bad boys this year.  Jump on it, I guess (but don’t actually).
  7. Prom shoes.  Just because it’s a “sandal” and it’s technically a “heel” does not mean you get to automatically slap the “work appropriate” label on it.  If your shoes have rhinestones on them, DO NOT WEAR.  If your shoes are wedding-like satin (the stainable kind you probably bought at Payless five years ago), DO NOT WEAR.  If your shoes have crisscross straps, but only over the front part of your foot, causing a constant slapping sound to occur, DO NOT WEAR.  And if your shoes were purchased when you were 17 and took “Jason” to the Sadie Hawkins dance wearing a tulle overload dress, DO NOT WEAR.
  8. Camis as shirts.  Camis are for layering.  This means it’s okay to wear them as an undershirt to a sweater, cardigan, t-shirt, other actual tank, and the like.  It is not okay to wear them as your only shirt.  I’m going to be honest.  You look like a combination of “Teen Mom” and Tila Tequila.  Both of which MTV clearly supports, so I guess if you’re trying to go down that path…good luck paying for therapy down the road.
  9. Thong/unfortunately small bikinis.  “I like my cellulite, I think it’s hot and I like drawing attention to it whenever possible,” said no one ever.
  10. Running shoes with toes.  “But they’re really good for your feet when you run – it’s actually more supportive than regular running shoes!”  Yeah, yeah.  What the fuck ever.  You look like a hobbit got an endorsement deal with Nike.  And side note, if they’re so “good for you” when you run, why the hell are you still wearing them to walk around in public?  I rest my case, Bilbo Baggins.
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