Mamacita is comin’ to town. Like now. She’s literally ON HER WAY. I’m mentally preparing myself. I need to switch my vulgarity button to “off” and start using “shoot” and “oh my stars” in place of my beloved “fuck.”
And aside from my censorship requirements, her visit also means that unfortunately at some point this weekend, I’m going to have to regretfully step foot in the MOA so she can get her shop on. It’s hilarious to me that visitors L-O-V-E the Mall of America. It’s lilke an actual mecca for anyone with a credit card. But I REFUSE on principle to step foot within 20 feet of its entrance unless I have a very specific errand to run and I can be in and out in less than an hour (that’s what he said).
But the matriarch only comes up to play every few months, so I shall have to allow such an atrocity to occur. Love. Makes ya do lots of stupid shit. Meh – maybe I’ll get a churro outta the deal.
Anyways, I got to thinking about family visiting. And I came to the conclusion that as a twenty-something with a bank account that’s probably not much better than that of the “need a cold beer” sign guy on Nicollet, I adore family visits. Because fam can only mean one thing…
At the beginning of this week I had to blow about 90 buckeroos at Target on shizz that is actually needed, but only comes around every month or two. Had to pick up some coffee ($10), some toilet paper ($priceless – and non-negotiable), new silverware (I figured it was time seeing as mine was falling apart and about to give me tetanus), and other loads of groceries that one’s required to purchase to survive. But what this all meant was that I had next to no money until payday rolled around again. It’s okay though – because MAMA IS COMIN’ TO TOWN!
I am very much looking forward to receiving the following gifts:
- Free shit. “So, mom…I’ve been working out a lot and feeling really great about myself!” “That’s wonderful bunny!” “Yeah, so I find that I don’t have enough workout clothes and I’ve had to just wear old running shorts that flash everyone at the gym.” “Oh no.” “I know. It’s awful. And I’m so broke right now. I just paid my insurance last week. Otherwise I’d totally buy a few new shirts. For cheap of course. Like, on the clearance rack.” “Well, let’s go look and try to find some good deals.” KA-CHING.
- Free food. Bill arrives: *mother immediately whips out credit card and lays down on top of horrifying Chili’s bill that isn’t actually expensive but seems like it is because I’m perpetually broke as shit.*
- Foo-foo coffee. You mean, I can order a LATTE?!?! BLESS YOU MOTHER. BLESS YOU.
- Free gas. I will shamelessly use her vehicle to navigate my way through the city. And I will let Merlot bask lazily in the sun and save gas for the next three days. And it will be awesome.
- Free groceries. As aforementioned, I blew 90 bucks on groceries this week. It sucked massive D. So I’ve been trying to stretch out any condiments or other non-weekly purchases until this glorified weekend. Because the puppy dog eyes are comin’ out and imma get some free fridge necessities. Yessssss.
Happy day! Hoorah!
Also, tomorrow is Friday. Which is the bomb dot com. The end.
- Summer is a Dirty Whore (whom I love, just not this week) (ipreferheels.com)