Time to Get Moist

If you just read that title and thought something dirty, shame on you.  I’m referring to beauty remedies you sick and twisted human. Come on.  I would never say anything inappropriate.  Ever.  The gutter is a filthy place.  Get your heads out of it.

I digress.

It’s June and from what I hear, it’s supposed to feel like summer.  It doesn’t.  And as a result, I’m giving Mother Nature the finger.  Bite me, biddy.  It stopped being funny three months ago.

But I’m not a negative Nancy (all the time) so I’m going to look on the bright side.  For those of you out there who enjoy that thing called working out, just think – you’ve now had at least a whole extra month to get that body in tip top shape for the beach!  Or if you’re like me and you’ve resigned yourself to the fact that your hips are under no circumstances to be revealed in the public eye, you’ve taken this extra month to shop for the perfect retro one piece!  Lezbehonest, love handles have love in the name for a reason.  And how could I deny someone their affections???  Nay, they shall remain intact and plump and happy.  So there.

But what else has this extra month of rainy day blah given you?  Besides, of course, the strong pull and appeal of going to non-stop movie showings and eating a large popcorn with a side of Junior Mints?  Well Debbie Downer, listen up!  Now’s your chance to get yourself all pampered and ready to show off those new strappy sandals and sundresses you’ve been dying to wear since they came out in stores in February (Target is a cruel, cruel minx, and I the scorned mistress.  Sigh.).

If you’re some sort of magical unicorn, you probably have baby butt soft skin and your hair probably mysteriously flutters even when there’s no wind (you’re not fooling me – I see that mini fan sticking out of your purse).  But if you’re like the rest of us “normal folk,” your skin is most likely causing mass confusion as people probably mistaken it for a reptile’s scales.  Super cute.  (And I bet you’re finally realizing it’s high time to get rid of the winter beard that’s taken ahold of your legs.  Shave it now.  And always.  No excuses people – if it’s long enough to grate cheese, you have a problem.)

Now mind you, I’ve never been a huge spa/home makeover kinda gal.  I’ve got my everyday facewash and moisterizers, I worship sunscreen, and I pretty much wear only a little face powder, some mascara, and a variety of color-popping lip shades on a daily basis.  And that’s it.  So sometimes you have to turn to the experts.

Michelle from Skana (a spa in Upstate New York) recently shared a fab DIY body scrub recipe with me to make sure my skin doesn’t feel like the crusty underside of a wound (which probably doesn’t exist but sounds like the foulest thing I can imagine…so enjoy that image).  Girlfraaaand knows what’s up.  These things are easy breezy beautiful to make – you can whip ’em up with what most people have as bare essentials in their kitchen (I emphasize “most people”…my bare essentials consist of chinese takeout and sriracha, so a quick grocery run was necessary…meh).

Give it a try – you never know when you’ll end up taking a hottie home from the bar.  Wouldn’t want him to start the plunge down south only to cut his hand on your crusty kneecaps, now would you?  I rest my case.


1 whole egg

1 tablespoon of dairy milk, ideally whole

1 tablespoon of honey



Crack a whole egg into a bowl, making sure that there are no shards of eggshell in the bowl at all.  Some people prefer to remove the yolk, but keep in mind that the yolk is one of the most powerful ingredients you can use to treat dry skin.

Spoon about two tablespoons of whole milk into the mixture.  The milk helps nourish your skin while smoothing out any rough spots.

Add a tablespoon of honey.  Organic local honey is suggested to get the most out of its healing properties, but any honey will do.

Mix the ingredients together rapidly with a fork.  They should come together in a murky/foamy mixture.  (It is entirely food safe, and though it is intended as a face mask, you can also use it as a conditioner for your hair).

Wash your face with warm water.  The warm water opens up your pores and lets the facial mask do its work.

Apply about half of the mask to your face using your fingers.  The mixture is a little sticky, but it should spread fairly easily.  Cover your face thoroughly, paying special attention to your T-zone.

Allow the mask to dry for 30 minutes.  The rest of the mask liquid should be put away for later use.  If left in an air-tight container, it can last for up to a week.

Use warm water and a soft towel to remove the mask.  You’ll notice a difference right away.


3 thoughts on “Time to Get Moist

  1. You’re titles never fail to make my giggle. This mask sounds cheap and super easy to make – I may have to give it a try soon (; Thanks for sharing!


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