And The Awkward Oscar Goes To…

Last night America witnessed the 85th annual Academy Awards.

In light of this momentous event, I feel it is necessary to discuss the awkward highlights both during and after the show.

  • Seth McFarlane I loved him as a host.  I thought he was hilarious.  Witty jokes.  Spot on with his comedic timing.  No one was safe from the hilarity – including himself (insert multiple self-depracating jokes here).  But here’s where the awkward turtle part comes in.  A friend posted this article on Facebook today: Why Seth McFarlane Bombed the Oscars – And What It Says About Hollywood. It’s written by an attributor, Alyssa Rosenberg, on – a site that I actually do respect for their willingness to call out BS.  However, let’s look at Sethy boy in context, shall we?  Knowing full well that he has produced years of material on Family Guy and in the last year came out with the film Ted – both raunchy and hardly appropriate even in the least – the Academy had to know what they were getting into.  You don’t ask someone like that to host a show expecting him to hold back his humor and make it a fucking Disney movie.  This is Seth McFarlane.  As in, yeah let’s make a movie about a talking bear who has sex with Norah Jones.  The audience loved it.  Even Tommy Lee Jones was yackin’ it up.  Perhaps the haters out there should too.
  • Anne Hathaway She’s an incredible actress, I’ll give her that.  Her performance in Les Miserables was inspiring, to put it lightly.  But there’s just something about her that makes you kind of twitch and cringe and clench in all sorts of weird places.  You know what I’m talking about.  She does this whole put-on act to come across as carefree yet serious, funny yet unplanned, quircky yet classy, giggly yet mature woman – PICK A LANE, B.  Angelina Jolie is always weird in interviews (personal opinion).  But she sticks with the same personality.  And at least it’s real.  Like, I wouldn’t really want to be BFFs with her, but I’ll give her a standing ovation (because she’s the shit and drop dead gorgeous).  Anne, take it from me sistah – just drop the act.  Stay behind the camera.  Stop trying so hard.  Also, that dress did nothing to hide your massive nip-out moment upon your award acceptance (we shall hereby dub thee “pepperoni nipples”).  Go pick up a pair of pasties.  I hear they cost like $5 – I’m sure your bank account can handle it.
  • Kristen Stewart What?  Just…what?  Who?  Why didn’t she use her crutches onstage?  Why did she have a big blue bruise on her arm?  Why did she have sex hair before announcing the Oscar winner?  Why was she announcing at all?  Why did she look like she was going to puke at any moment?  So many questions.
  • John Travolta Remember that moment when he pronounced “Les Miserables” with an audible “s” at the end?  Better yet – remember that moment when he creepily said “I’ve got a big treat for ya?”  Yep.  That pretty much sums it all up. 
  • The Girl Behind Michelle Obama I’m just waiting for a tumblr to sprout up with that GIF playing over and over again.  During the First Lady’s Oscar announcement, I could focus on nothing but the chick over her shoulder.  One second, she was stone-faced.  The next, her face was plastered with a massively cheesy grin.  Then she’d drop it down a few notches – giving off the impression she’d just accidentally sharted.  Then the smile would be back.  And then the frown again.  All on a loop.  Hilarious.
  • Daniel Radcliffe You poor poor short little man.  At least you have a great jawline?  But wait – I thought you could only dance once a year at the Yule Ball at Hogwarts.  Shouldn’t you be on a broom playing Quidditch?  Where’s the snitch?  Did Joseph Gordon Levitt hide it again?  Damn him. 
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones She’s just not a good lipsyncer.  Shoot.
  • “Life of Pi” Acceptance Speech/Nicole Kidman’s Sympathy Ouch.  Jaws music has never felt so sad.  This just goes to show how appreciative audiences (both live and at home) are for speeches that are short, concise, and to the point (holla Adele). Life Of Pi Oscars

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