We’re all addicts. Let’s face it. The Book of Face is like freakin heroin. But if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s obnoxious status updates. Before you prep those veins for a new injection of newsfeed streams, think about the 7 Deadly Status Sins. And don’t use them.
1. Religious Hard Ons – I think it’s wonderful and lovely that you’ve “found God” and are a “new person” because you’re getting drunk on “His Love” instead of “wine,” or whatever. And if you want to recommit yourself to virginity and pretend you don’t like a P in your V, be my guest. I won’t tell people about your slutty vendetta against your ex that included a binge of blowjobs and bathroom stall bangs. I won’t tell the world about the time you drunkenly told us all that you masterbate to Kenny Loggins. That’s not important now anyways. You’ve turned over a new leaf. Nevermind that you announced last Sunday that John 3:16 basically gave you the best orgasm of your life. I mean, really, “suddenly feeling free” and “experiencing pure joy” isn’t fooling anyone. Personally I prefer to keep my dirty bits separate from my Bible. I find it can get a little messy trying to clean off those paper thin pages.
2. ALL CAPS – Caps should be solely reserved for the expressing of a particular emotion including, but not limited to: anger, frustration, excitement, happiness, shock or irritation. When you announce in all caps that you WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT MILK!!!! AND THEN ATE A COOKIE!!! the amount of fucks I give literally plummets to the depths of hell. The fact that you made such an asinine statement to begin with is concerning and I really should request that the short bus make a stop by your house. See, there’s this thing called “caps lock.” It’s a button – one of the biggest – located just to the left of the “A” on your keyboard. Generally, your keyboard/computer also has a little light that shines when that “lock” is in place. Now, caps lock means that every letter you type will be capitalized. All you have to do is click that little button and voila! Your asinine statement is still fucking stupid, but just a little more bearable for the rest of the human population.
3. Purposely Misspelled Words for Purposes Other Than Humor – I knorw youl went 2 cawllege. It says so in ur infomashion. But, then again, mayb u lied bout dat. Cuz when you write “I WILL NEVA FORGET,” I haf to wonda how much harder it woulda been 2 type 1 mo letter. Like, why stop wit 1? Let’s just shorten it awl, shiiiiiiit. “I WL NEV FOGT.” We wouldn’t want 2 confuse u fo sum1 who gradumated hi skool and can reeed.
Happiness Sappiness – “Life isn’t measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.” Barf. People get hit by cars. Planes go down. Pre-cancer is real. I’m not asking you to get so sad about the world that a Prozac binge is just a signature away. Happiness is fine and dandy. But Lord Almighty, please be slightly more realistic. If your world is all pink butterflies and flowers, you’re lying. Because people are allergic to that shit.
6. Obnoxious Lovey Dovey Shizz – “Thinking about you…<3!” If I had a nickel…
7. I’m So Fat/Ugly/Insert Negative Adjective – Shut the fuck up. No one cares. But you know they’ll still comment with “Aw, no sweetie, you’re gorgeous!” Perhaps you think this is because they are telling the truth that you’re vain enough to need repeated everyday. No. They’re just trying to be nice to make sure you don’t kill yourself. Because every single photo you post is gorgeous and photoshopped enough to be on the cover of Seventeen. You know you went through at least 10 shots to find the perfect one that didn’t make your nose look like you had gender reassignment surgery and they accidentally put the penis on your face.
That is all.