Cheers to 2013!

Once upon a time I made New Year’s resolutions.  They were seldom kept and often forgotten.  ‘Tis a sad, sad tale.  So, I stopped setting them.

I decided to revive said resolution tradition this year with a few goals that are actually achievable.  And with that, here goes nothin’…

  1. Refrain from excessive spending on shit you don’t need.  It is a well known fact that I cannot pass on a sale or a deal.  I am the prime target audience for retailers everywhere.  Show me that I’m “saving money” on something and my doubts/hesitations/any shred of pause go right out the window.  Why, OF COURSE I can justify buying that neon pink hat that costs $50 and was originally $100.  Because it’s such a good deal.  It doesn’t matter if the item I’ve set my sights on is extravagant/loud and will probably only be worn a handful of times.  Once I’ve pictured it in my closet, it’s mine.  Mine, mine, mine.  And I shall love it forever.  But it’s a new year – no more of that shit.  Lezbehonest – I really can’t fit in in my closet anyway.
  2. Get rid of things you never ever ever ever wear.  I know, I know, that dress could totally work in the case that I were to perform in a choral ensemble again and need an all black, floor-length gown.  And those shoes would look fabulous if I ever magically shrunk a foot size.  I just need to break them in and stretch ’em out!  No.  It’s not going to happen.  Ever.  Rule of thumb: if you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it.  There are plenty of people in the world who would actually fit into whatever item you’re debating about with yourself – and you can do a good deed and give it to Goodwill so someone who truly needs it can have it.  I may or may not have held onto my high school prom dresses up until last week.  Whatever.  They were gorgeous.  And they ellicit memories of disgustingly sweaty grid sessions to “Ignition” and “Yeah.”  Because only classy broads would ever partake in such behavior.
  3. Eat more vegetables and drink less.  Ha.  Just kidding.  Because that would be so positively boring and dull.  The horror!  The horror!  Why go through such torture when self-medication and cheeseburgers are so fun?!
  4. Actually use my gym membership.  Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard it before…”my New Year’s resolution is to lose 30 pounds!”  Reality check sistahs – that doesn’t work.  You end up getting frustrated, fully and naively expecting that after taking your first bite of broccoli, you’ll magically drop 10 pounds, minimum (not that I’m speaking from experience or anything).  I prefer to take a more generic route…I vow to use my gym membership more.  I think I used it once in December.  So in January the goal is to go at least twice!  Hooray!
  5. Cook more.  A happy kitchen is a fuller wallet!  I just made that up.  Clever, eh?  Actually it doesn’t really flow and will probably never make it on a Hallmark card.  Whatever.  I’ve been eating out for lunch at work all this week and today mentioned to my coworkers that “I just haven’t gotten to the grocery store since I’ve been back.”  Whereby Katie piped in, “you’ve been saying that for the last six months.”  I don’t cook and it’s a problem.  While most people eat out occasionally, I eat in occasionally.  And usually that’s still take-out.  So…yeah…resolution firmly in place…next week (hopefully?).
  6. Go with your gut.  Speaking of eating, I’ve decided to take a vow to not force myself to eat unnecessary gross foods just for the sake of being “healthy.”  Of course, that doesn’t mean I get to eat french fries and chocolate cake every day.  But if a certain sandwich sounds to die for and I choose a salad instead because I should, I’m pretty much always disappointed and end up eating more because I’m not satisfied.  So, here’s to going with my gut – literally.
  7. Read more.  I love to read, and I devour plenty of books each year.  But I also have an addiction to shows – and they seem to multiply.  Every time someone says to me, “oh Megan, you’ve got to watch ________ – it’s hilarious!” I must stop, think about the six other shows I religiously watch, and decline.  For while I never pass up an opportunity to bask in hilarity, I find that spending a solid five hours on hulu plus isn’t quite as rewarding as finishing a great novel.  Balance.  It’s all about balance.
  8. Choose adequate times to paint my nails.  This may seem trivial, but I swear to God, EVERY SINGLE TIME I paint my nails, I happen to magically do it at a time when either A) I’m about to go to bed, or B) I’m about to run errands/clean/do something that requires the use of my hands.  The color ends up smudged and has lovely sheet marks that stay until I decide to re-do the entire paint job.  Which is a giant pain in the ass, and something I almost never end up doing.
  9. Unsubscribe from pointless emails.  You know how it goes – you’re in a store picking up a new dress and they ask you, “would you like to be on our member email list?” Whereby you reply, “no thanks.”  Whereby they shoot back with a “well if you join today, you get a 25% off coupon for your next visit!”  How the hell can you pass up something like that?!?!  A week goes by, you get your coupon, and probably forget to actually use it in time.  Then you’re stuck with millions of stupid almost daily emails advertising things you don’t have the time or money to care about.  SO not worth it.
  10. Bask in the glow of singledom.  Nevermind that I’ve been single since dinosaurs roamed the Earth.  Because here’s the thing about being single – you aren’t tied down to anyone or anything.  If tomorrow I decided to up and move to Paris and teach English, I could.  If I decided to join a softball league (not relevant – I’ve never played softball and it’s fucking freezing outside), I could.  If I wanted to watch rom coms for 12 hours straight wearing hideously unflattering sweatpants and eating nothing but chocolate and popcorn and letting it all fall between my sheets, I could.  Holla.

Happy New Year my peeps.  I hope you all got schwastey-face drunk and made out with a hottie at midnight.  I watched Grey’s Anatomy with my mom and fell asleep at 11:30.  Who’s got two thumbs and is a party animal?  This girl.


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