Welcome to the Loony Bin

Working downtown has its perks.  I’m in walking distance from a Yogurt Lab (WHEN did my thighs suddenly explode?!), have my daily choice between multiple Starbucks and Caribous, and can do a little Christmas shopping on my lunch break at pretty much any store imaginable.  But, at the same time, working downtown also has its fair share of characters.

I shall now embark on a journey with you of the many instances/people I have bore witness to over the past five months.  It’s pure gold.

A man (most likely drunk or high out of his mind) getting arrested by police:

Seems normal, except that when the cops escorted him across the street, his pants started falling down.  It was like watching an avalanche slowly start to take shape.  The further he walked, the further his pants slipped.   They finally fell to his ankles, whereby one of the policeman bent to try to pull them up.  Only problem was he was simultaneously trying to hold the drunkard’s hands behind his back.  So he gave up and the arrestee waddled the remaining 10 feet to the squad car with people stopping their strolls to gape and snap a few photos for the scrapbook.  Ahhhh.  So cute.

Mumbling Man:

Now bless his heart, this poor man probably has something seriously not right up in the attic.  I’ve been graced with his presence numerous times, and I can always recognize him by his conspiracy ramblings and f**k bombs.  It’s quite attractive, really.  Sometimes I find myself in a self-conflict as my body just wants to run over and jump his bones.  There’s something about the way he mumbled “That bitch is white trash…ha! Damn foreigners.  Oh Lord, deliver me!” behind me in the post office that just made me want to rub him down with oil and pounce.  And now that I think about it, his extensive collection of plastic bags and rags would surely come in handy with that oil clean-up.

Bible Man:

Like a cheery puppy, this lovely little old man stands on the corner near my building every morning as I tromp into work.  He carries a worn Bible in his hand smiles from ear to ear calling out “Good morning!” loud enough for China to hear and God to say “Shhh, please, you’re giving me a headache.”  He’s one of the good ones, really, and even if I’m having a massively shitty morning and running at least 15 minutes late, I can’t help but smile! (Awwwww).

Teenagers who should be in school or studying but are instead blocking my path and ruining their futures and my day:

I was in high school once.  I know what it’s like to have to trudge to class early in the morning and sit through boring lectures.  It blows.  But here’s the thing – that never ends.  I still do that today, except lectures have turned into meetings and driving to school turned into walking to work.  So get used to it peeps.  Save the flirting and foul language for the three hour phone call you’re sure to make later to your BF4L.  Because if you’re willing to do all that pawing right out in the open, I’m gonna go ahead and bet you’re gonna actually do it (I’m referring to sexy time here), then be stuck with a kid you don’t want and don’t have the means to support (Note: I fully realize that I’m absolutely unfairly generalizing here with a blanket statement).  GO TO SCHOOL.  AND STOP TAKING UP THE WHOLE SIDEWALK.  I HAVE BILLS TO PAY, DAMMIT.  MOVE ASIDE.

Creepy men who flirt with me then talk about me as a sex object as if I can’t hear them:

The other day I was walking home and wearing little heel booties, black tights, a dress and a long trench coat that went past my knees.  I’d say I was dressed “modestly.”  As I was walking, I heard two old creeps behind me whispering shouting about how they’d “tap that” and how “fine a honey” I was.  Accompanied by said words were moans and sighs and a few cat calls.  Then one said, “You got some nice legs.”  I ignored.  He repeated.  And repeated.  And repeated, until finally I turned around, gave him a half smile, and said, “Thanks” and walked away.  (“I have a boyfriend” is also a useful and magical retort.  Stops the douche talk immediately.  Throw in that he’s 6’5 and a football player and you’re set.)

Creepy men who call me a sex object straight to my face:

On the same corner where Bible man stands is also a bus stop (where previously mentioned teenagers congregate as well).  I have to pass said bus stop every morning, as it is located right outside the door to my building.  One morning, as I was pulling out my badge from my purse and double checking the time on my phone, I was suddenly ripped out of my Nsync-narrated stroll by the Creep of Creeps: “Yo, you got some nice jugs there.”  To which I responded, “Why thank you!  Say, would you like to go out sometime?  Better yet, let me just spread my legs now and have your children, you big hunk-a-hunk-a-burnin’ love, you!”  Yeah…no.  Vom.

In short, should you ever find yourself working/living/touring the downtown area of a city, keep an eye out for the characters – you never know what you’ll find.  Although, more likely  than not, you’ll be harassed and probably witness a penis or bare ass along the way.  And if ignoring doesn’t work, well, just embrace the fact that you live amongst swine.  Better yet, blend in!  Throw on a nutso pattern that makes people think you’re a kalaidascope (like yours truly).   It’s fun and will probably confuse them.  Then, start mumbling that you have genital herpes and flap your arms around while simultaneously making gorilla noises.  This is also great fun.   People will probably take pictures of you and you may be involuntarily taken to the loony bin.  But hey – at least you’ll have something to share with your grandkids!

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(That is Barkley’s hiney – he wanted to make sure to send his regards.)

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(The weird white part is part of the skirt.  C’mon people – who do you think I am?! No strip teases here.  Saving that for my downtown hotties.  They never let me down.  Rawr.)DSC_0380

Style Tip of the Day:

 Go for the gusto!  Throw on that insane pattern you NEVER thought you could pull off – because good news – you can!  All you need to remember is to pair it with low key neutrals in classic shapes.  For instance, I chose to wear an in-your-face-oh-my-God-where-are-my-sunglasses skirt, but I kept everything else simple: a long sleeve black cotton tee, black patterned tights, taupe heels, and a black necklace.

Skirt (France), Shirt/Tights/Shoes/Watch (Target), Necklace (Kohl’s), Gold Pounded Ring (Premier Designs), Gold/Gem Ring (India)

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