It’s Monday today. Which means I’m slowly starting to emerge from my funk of snot. Each day means less and less Dayquil, and more and more hawking loogies. I’m truly a beautiful creature.
So, as I took my furry boyfriend out for a stroll tonight, I was grateful for the early setting sun. It was pitch black out just after 6pm, which meant that nobody would have a chance in hell of recognizing me. Coast clear.
About a block into our walk, the hawking began. This is the oh-so-sexy stage in a cold where one must expel any and all mucus (don’t you just love that word?) in order to finally breathe freely and leave said cold to die alone in the dust. So, under the shroud of darkness, I hawked and I hawked and I hawked, and I turned off every eligible bachelor in the continental United States.
Meanwhile, Furry McShitter took a deuce at least twice – once in the middle of a sidewalk corner where there happened to be heavy traffic stopped at a red light. The lucky little buggers got a rare shot of hiney as yours truly bent to gracefully wrap her hands around three turd nuggets.
So there we were, Spitter and Shitter, the dynamic duo ready to take on the world. Kind of a modern-day Olive Oil & Popeye! Except I guess I’d be Popeye in this situation, because, well, everyone poops. (Dogs have no choice but to do it in public. I suppose I easily could have let my mucus slosh around in my mouth until I reached my own personal bathroom. Selfish little twat. How dare I?!) And let’s be real – Barkley’s cute and adorable and snuggly and fantastic – but I wouldn’t say he wears the pants. No siree. Got a monopoly on that.
See? Pants-wearer. Barkley doesn’t wear clothes…slutty little stripper.
Uh oh…I think I may have hurt someone’s feelings. Barkley is currently looking at me like he’s going to cry…oh…wait a sec…no, he was just looking for the right moment to paw at my breast. Phew. Dodged that bullet.
Moral of the story: as a pants-wearer and loogie-hawker, I do what I want. Which means if I want to wear an obnoxious black feather/flower brooch, an equally loud striped shirt, a burnt orange blazer, and bright turquoise shoes & accessories, I will. And I will love every minute of it.
Style Advice of the Day:
It’s fabulous to be loud and proud – but make sure you balance the ensemble. I wanted to wear bright colors and patterns, so to even it out, I chose structured and classic pieces. My high-waisted cropped black dress pants pair perfectly with a silky striped top and fitted short blazer. I kept the shoes simple – no bows or metal studs or the like – and let the jewelry/accessories and color accents speak for themselves!
(I almost added an article called “Everything you ever wondered about mucus and phlegm.” Almost. Your welcome.)
- You Are What You Wear (ipreferheels.com)
- Key summer to fall pieces (myfashioncents.com)
- Pants on fire (nypost.com)
- Printed Pants: How to Wear Them and What to Eat (heavybrowsing.com)