Pucker Up!

Once upon a time, as a little pre-teen attempting to navigate the world of hormonal rages and menstruel tragedies (I put that WHERE?!), I began using makeup.

Unfortunately, that meant I followed what the popular kids at the time were doing, which was donning a thick white line of makeup on the tops of my lids, swiping on an ass-ton of lipgloss or lipsmackers, and wearing some sort of cotton candy scent strong enough to bottle up and sell as a replacement for the actual thing.

After awhile I realized I looked like a cheap hooker and changed my ways.  And along the way, I discovered a magical thing called…


No longer reserved for 1950’s housewives, this little ditty has become my go-to makeup item.  Feeling drab?  Throw on a bright red – BAM!  Instant sex goddess.  Want to channel your inner vampire (and have sexy time with Robert Pattinson – not like I daydream about this or anything)?  Swipe on a berry shade – BAM!  Instantly mysterious.  Care to add a little kapow to your little black dress?  Layer on some bright pink – BAM!  Instant fashionista.

But lipstick is one of those Pandora’s Box things: it can go wrong reeeaaaaal quick.

There’s the tooth smear – which I can pretty much add to my resume at this point.  This is the reason I carry both a compact and surround myself with friends and coworkers who will shamelessly point to their teeth in a not-so-subtle-but-entirely-necessary gesture reminding me to clean it off or quietly excuse myself from their presence.

This also goes hand in hand with the outside-the-lips-smear.

(It’s okay, I know you’re trying really hard to hold back from jumping my bones.  I’m basically sex on legs.)

Then we have the attempt at tricking people into believing your lips are bigger than they actually are.

(Dark Knight anyone?  I seem to be channeling the Joker.  Again, I know it’s hard to resist.)

But when lipstick is done right, it’s oh-so-right (also, this applies to heavy petting of any sort – because we all know how that can go wrong reeeeaaaaal quick).

Now bold colors aren’t for everyone.  And that’s ok!  If you’ve never taken the plunge, start with something a little less intense, like a muted pink or raspberry.  It’s a great way to add a little va-va-voom, but still wearable and appropriate for work and daytime prancing.

But if you’re ready to get all hot and spicy, go for it!  A great way to test out a new bold and sassy shade is when you’re planning a night out on the town.  That way you don’t have to worry about accidentally looking like whore in church – you’ll fit right in with all the little slutmuffins around you!  Woohoo!  Plus it’ll be dark in whatever bar/club you go to and thereby less noticeable if you chose a very WRONG shade.

After you’ve perfected the bold-bodied colors under the light of the moon (damn, I’ve got a way with words), you can slowly step it up at work.  Pair a bright lip color with something neutral, like black or gray.  NEVER wear an insane pattern and an eye-popping color at the same time – let one speak, or your coworkers will be forced to wear sunglasses in your presence.  Or vomit.

If you’re looking to try something that’s big this fall, reach for a tube of a berry shade.  But like so many statement shades out there, make sure you’re balancing your makeup.  Don’t go too heavy on the eyes – use a simple mascara and a neutral eye shadow.

Let your lips do the talking (ha…get it?).

So pucker up my lovelies!

Kiss those drab days goodbye!

Ok…I’m done.  These puns are getting pretty terrible.


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