Redneck: The New Black

Per the request of my coworker, I shall now embark on a little journey through the latest and greatest fashion trend to hit the shelves this fall.

I give you (drumroll please)…REDNECK!  The new black!

With the impending cool weather and hunting season, stores have quickly caught onto the fad, transforming their racks to reflect the awe-inspiring patterns of dead leaves and sagging branches.  It’s like you can almost smell fresh pine trees mixed with the occasional whiff of deer piss.  Mmmmm.  Take it all in.

Camo is, of course, traditionally used as a means to blend in with the outdoors, thereby creating a stealthy shroud of secrecy to hunt under.  It’s also quite commonly seen on the fatigues of the Armed Forces.

But what was once used as a means of hiding from view has suddenly burst into the lives of fashion lovers near and far.  Little did the world know that the rage would spread like wildfire.  Why blend in when you can stand out?!

Take the camo sweater for instance – perfect for those cozy nights in the deer stand doing nothing but thinking about how much you’re craving McDonald’s, since chances are you probably won’t see an animal in the next four hours.  But the greatest thing about this cuddly thing? You’ll have the ladies screaming and vying for a shot to tear every last inch of your clothes off.  Because who doesn’t want to bang a man who has at his fingertips at least five different animal mating calls?  It just puts you in the mood.

Then we have the Amurrrica-Right-to-Bear-Arms look.  It’s a chambray mixed with…what else?  Our nation’s flag!  Because every woman loves to think about a combination of Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton when she’s gettin’ hot and heavy!

This look can also be paired with the popular scarf, hat and pair of canvas pants on yours truly.  But get ’em fast, people – these babies are flying off the shelves!

And of course, we can’t forget about the ladies.  Target offers up fabulous finds for those days when you just feel like shooting a fox.  Don’t deny yourself the pleasure!  C’mon chicas – bust out that camo and start resembling your backyard!  It’s so fun!

Oh, and one more thing – whenever possible, wear one of these chic and ironic hats.  Guaranteed to offend!  Isn’t it great? 

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for this badass trend on the red carpet this awards season.  It’ll be a hit, no doubt!  I can picture it now – a mermaid dress with a shotgun image emblazened down the back.  Brilliant!

In conclusion, I leave you with a Mean Girls throwback: “…on the third day, God invented the Remington rifle so men could fight the dinosaurs…and the homosexuals.”

…cuz that’s the way God intended it!  Amurrricaaaa!  Yeah!

 

(Note: Just in case you were offended, let me remind you that this was a post dripping in sarcasm.  I do not support or condone purchasing any of the above article of clothing . In fact, it’s strongly encouraged that you should not at any time purchase said articles.  Also, I fully support marriage equality.  Yay for gay!)

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