Hey! What’s up?

A few months ago, I shared with you all a list of texting FAUX PAS you should never ever ever do.  Because they’re like…annoying.

Anyways, I’d like to take a moment today to elaborate on one in particular:

10. “Hey”

This one word means nothing to me.  Accompanied by others, it can be a conversation starter, or a simple ice breaker.  However, if you simply text me “hey,” what exactly are you expecting as a response?  I have no idea if I’m supposed to be telling you about my day, how I’m doing, or what my plans are for the night.  Most likely, unless this is a precursor to another sentence, I will just ignore you.  Or type back a “hey,” whereby you will respond with “what’s up?” and I will respond with “not much.”  Then, we’ll do this little 1-2 word dance for the next 15 minutes until someone either asks an actual question, or just stops responding.  And then, we’ll call that a conversation and add it to our ever-growing “friendship.”

I’ve been texting/talking to (thought not actually on the phone…because that would be far too chivalrous) this guy I met awhile back online (see: The Modern Day Blind Date: Navigating the Maze of Online Dating).  He’s nice, always seems interested, and texts on a regular basis.  The only problem is, I have this feeling he’s very familiar with copy/paste.

Every time my phone vibrates and I look down and see “_____,” I get a little rush of excitement.  “Ooooh! He wants me! He loves me! We’re getting maaarrrrriiiiieeeeeddddd!”  A sly little grin crosses my face and I reach down to slide that little iphone toggle across the screen and punch in my oh-so-secret password.  “He’s totally gonna ask me out again!  He’s going to tell me I’m the most beautiful creature he’s ever laid eyes on!  Life is good!”

And then I see the text.

“Hey! What’s up?”

That’s it?! What are you in, like, fourth grade?!?  No one has used those words in a convo with me since I was running for prom queen.  (Yes, I ran for prom queen.  Put down that haterade – it was a century ago.)

Thinking that perhaps he’s just not creative – a left brain sort of man – I respond with some semblance of what I’m doing at the moment, satisfied that I’ve provided enough detail to warrant a response back.  And just in case, I pepper in a general question to allow him the chance to respond similarly.

“Hi! Just got home from work.  Long day!  But I’m about to watch a movie and nom on some popcorn.  How’s your day going?”

And then, thinking I’ve hit gold and feeling as confident as if I’d won the Boston marathon, I sit back and gloat a bit – all the while letting that little flurry of excitement slowly creep back into my psyche.

And then he responds.

“Cool! I’m just chillin here.”

I wait.

____________________________________________.

And wait.

_____________________________________________________________.

And there is not a trace of another text or continuation of the conversation.  Um…how exactly am I supposed to respond to that?  I know…I’ll say something quircky and flirty.  Maybe he’s just shy!

“Practicing your monopoly skills?!”

This is of course in reference to the adorable afternoon spent playing board games on our date.  So clearly I’m being really cute and funny.

_______________________________________________.

And then,

_____________________________________________________.

WTF?  Why did you even text me in the first place?  I just spent precious minutes of my time engaging in a pointless back-and-forth “hello” game that leads to nowhere but a black hole.  OH MY GOD I COULD’VE DONE SO MANY OTHER THINGS WITH THAT WASTED TIME.  Like checked my email.  Or Facebook.  Or maybe I would’ve eaten some ice cream.  Or poured a glass of wine.  Or all of the above.

Whatever.  The point is…why?  Just, why?

Here’s a thought – don’t half-ass communicate with me for fear I might think you’re not interested.  Because starting a worthless conversation screams that you’re not interested enough to actually talk about anything.  So, let’s just…not.

Ask me on another date – be straightforward.  Or tell me about your day.  Or flirt and be coy and make me want to keep strategically texting you hidden naughty messages with heavy sexual undertones.

But for the love of God, do not make me feel like I’m having a conversation with the faucet of my bathtub.  I can do that any day of the week.

That is all.

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3 thoughts on “Hey! What’s up?

  1. […] Hey! What’s up?(ipreferheels.com) A few months ago, I shared with you all a list of texting FAUX PAS you should never ever ever do. Because they’re like…annoying. Anyways, I’d like to take a moment today to elaborate on one in particular: 10. “Hey” This one word means nothing to me. Accompanied by others, it can be a conversation starter, or a simple ice breaker. […]

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