Love Ballot

It’s election day.  You know what that means, right?!


It also means you should go out and vote because it’s your Constitutional right and all…just saying.

But I’m not here to talk about politics.  This morning I got to thinking about ballots and voting in general, and I couldn’t help but think about what relationships would be like if you got to vote for your “perfect” mate.  Of course, if that were possible we’d probably end up with an entire community of Stepford Wives.  So I’ll take quirks and imperfections over that any day.

But let’s just ponder the thought for a moment.  You all know I’m right when I say that every single lady out there has a mental list of qualifications her dream man must possess.  Should something be missing, yooouuuuu’rrrreeee OUT!

Ok, that’s a bit harsh.  But when you’ve been indoctrinated with rom coms since forever, it starts to make a little sense.

Love, according to the films of our generation, happens overnight.  Like, literally.  And “love” is always found in the form of six pack abs and rippling muscles and the face of Jake Gyllenhaal.  So perhaps this is the reason for the existence of our slightly outrageous expectations.  Can you blame us?!

Of course not.  Because, let’s be real gentlemen, how many of you have never ever ever ever had daydreams of waltzing around with a Super Bowl ring or scoring the game-winning shot in the champonship game?  And how many of you have never ever ever ever pictured yourself running up those Rocky steps and looking like a total badass?  That’s what I thought.

My point is that we all have expectations that are both unrealistic and fantastical.  The majority of women will end up settling with a non-Rocky average Joe, and the closest the majority of men will get to those steps is through their TV screen.  Nothin’ wrong with it.  That’s just life.

But the one thing a love “match” usually springs from is compatibility – or, rather, one person making up for what the other falls short on.  Case in point: if one partner is short and the other is tall, then there will never be an issue reaching that top cabinet you only need to get to once a month to stock the extra toilet paper!  Hooray!

So for today, I give you my personal ballot – and my personal votes – on my “perfect” man. (Side note for any future lovers: I am not perfect, though based on my rom com knowledge, you will think I am even if my hair is disgustingly greasy and I’m wearing a sack.  So, if you fail to meet any or all of the below requirements, that’s okay!  We can be imperfect together!  Awww…)

1. Cooking Ability – Eating is by far one of my favorite past times.  I’ve been known to justify eating cheesecake and ice cream by claiming it’s dairy, and therefore is essential to my daily caloric intake.  However, I can’t cook to save my life.  Though I do have a knack for pouring cereal and whipping up ramen.  Oh – and I have a plethora of take-out numbers on speed dial.  So, if you should happen to cook like Emeril Lagasse, all I can say is…me-ow!

2. Guilty Pleasure for Harry Potter (and All Other Fictional Wonders of Our Time) – I’m a nerd.  I love to read.  And there may or may not have been a time when I dressed up in costume for a midnight showing of Harry Potter while in my twenties (without an accompanying child), and there may or may not have been a time or two when I’ve used spells in my everyday conversation.  What’s that you say?  You played Quidditch in college?  I love you already.

3. Dancing Fever – I don’t believe in standing around and waiting until some group of giggling girls finally pushes each other out on the dance floor on a dare.  As soon as that music starts, I’m shakin’ what my momma gave me.  And by the end of the night my hair gives those around me the impression that I’ve just taken a quick shower.  Oh?  You find that sexy?  You dance too?  You want to do a dance-off?  Marry me.

4. Conversational Chops – I talk a lot.  And I find intelligence and discussion stimulating and attractive.  There’s nothing better than getting caught up in a conversation and suddenly looking at the clock and realizing it’s already 3am.  Communication!  Talking it out!  Constructive cooperation!  Yes!  And, clearly, if you’re stimulating me with your brain, I’ll be hot and bothered and not in the least bit opposed to pouncing on your bod (cue Marvin Gaye).  So it’s a win-win situation.

5. Arms of Steel – By this I’m obviously referring to the small ask that you’re able to whisk me into your arms for carefully planned and/or spontaneous photo shoots.  Which, in my mind’s eye, are apparently going to occur on a regular basis…starting…now.  Good.  Glad we solved that one.

6. Serenade Skills – Ideally added to your repertoire of songs (because you’ll be a genius at both the piano and guitar) will be one entitled “Unforgettable” that will contain the words “Megan,” “beautiful,” “dream,” “perfect,” and “irreplaceable.”  And I’ll have no idea you’ve written it until one night when I go to watch you perform at the local tavern (your usual Friday night gig) and you dedicate it to me.  And the audience will be in tears and you’ll jump off the stage and pick me up in your arms (see #5) and there will be a spontaneous photo op that runs in the paper the next day with the headline “Undeniable Love!”  Not that I’ve thought this out or anything.

***Also…please draw a moustache on your face.  It’s hilarious.

7. Hilarity – Laughing is what I live for.  I often pee in my pants if I laugh too hard at the wrong moment, but that’s beside the point.  If I had to do laundry multiple times a week because every pair of jeans had been soiled from my uncontrollable bladder thanks to your celebrity impressions and stand-up routines, I’d be okay with that.  Is that weird?  Probably.  Meh.

Channing Tatum as Jenko in 21 Jump Street (2012) (2012)

 8. Acceptance of Junk Food – Being healthy is great.  And I by no means eat a jelly doughnut every morning because my ass would expand exponentially.  So I’m all for watching what you eat.  But I do love me some junk food now and again.  All I ask is that you withhold judgement and join me in nomming on a cupcake or twelve on occasion.  Life’s too short!  Your arteries need a little shake-up to their usual routine!  C’mon!  It’s fun!

9. The Separation of Toilet and Relationship – We all poop.  And fart.  And it’s natural.  But, no matter how close we get and how comfortable we are with each other, I’m a firm believer in a closed bathroom door during the relieving of certain elements.  The second I see you taking a deuce, that’s suddenly all I can think of when you’re trying to initiate sexy time.  And I’m sure you feel the same.  Not worth destroying that sanctity.  Like, ever.

(Contrary to what you may believe, your shit does not smell like this wonderful floral arrangement.)

10. Shoe Obsession Empathy – I collect shoes.  And clothes.  And…um…purses.  Which means I’d be more than OK if you pulled a Big/Carrie move and built me a state-of-the-art-walk-in-closet.  Just puttin’ it out there…ahem…


So for all you lovers out there – it’s okay to cast your vote for love criteria.  Just don’t make it a do or die dilemma.  Because you never know which imperfections you might fall in love with 😉

And if love isn’t in the cards anytime soon?  Well…you’ve always got Jake Gyllenhaal.


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