Bundle Up, Betches

I was raised by a mother with a purse obsession.  More often than not, she, my grandmother & I could be seen meandering the racks of leather totes on any given Saturday for about, oh, twenty years (and counting).  And it was in this mecca of fabulousness that once upon a time, I decided to act like a little twat to my dear madre, probably calling her a “mean-head” or some other equally vulgar term that should never ever be uttered by any child.  Whoops.  Anyways, due to my “twat-i-ness,” my mother gave me a little warning pinch on my bum.  Whereby I immediately began bawling like I had just had my leg torn off by a shark.  Waaa.  Life was really hard, apparently.

I then turned to my grandma in tears, quivering my lip for an extra shot at the pity vote.

“What’s wrong Meggy?”

“Mommy pinched me in the puss store!”

Yes, I said “puss.”  The letter “R” was hard to come by in my limited speaking ability.  Or, more likely, I developed early on an affinity for using foul language.  It’s clearly still in play today.

BUT – my point is that this “obsession” over purses was, like my swearing-like-a-trucker habit, ingrained at an early age and repeated for years on end.  It has trasformed from a purse obsession to a shoe obsession to a ring obsession and even a tights obsession.  And today, in this moment, it’s currently a coat obsession.

Perhaps it’s the crisp fall weather (which isn’t so crisp at the moment…Minnesota can’t seem to make up its damn mind) or the countdown to Thanksgiving & Christmas that’s got my mind stuck on everything from faux furs to trenches.  Either way, I’ve taken a vow to dutifully expand my closet to include a coat for any and every occasion.

Occasion #1: It’s fall and there’s a slight breeze – just enough to give you the chills.  But not quite cool enough to bust out a scarf or gloves.  Ta-da!  A trenchcoat!

Occasion #2: You’re wearing jeans and a long boyfriend cardigan that sticks out of most of your coats and makes you look like you’ve just accepted the role of Wonder Woman.  Ta-da!  A long peacoat/trenchcoat!

Occasion #3: You’ve just purchased a pair of jeans that make your bum look like Beyonce’s.  But nobody will ever get the chance to see it under your too-long frock!  Ta-da!  A cropped leather jacket, complete with zippers and studs for a look that says “I’m a badass.”  Or, rather, a BAMF.

Occasion #4: It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra outside.  But you promised your adorable grandmother to go Christmas caroling with her church.  Ta-da!  A faux-fur number or puffy coat with a fur hood should do the trick!  Classy, yet oh-so-cozy.

Aaaaaand I could go on and on.  But I’ll spare you.

A coat isn’t just something to keep you warm from the blistering winds of the Midwest (or wherever you live) – it’s a statement.  Think about it – 3/4 of the year, we have to wear these babies.  Why?  Because it’s effing freezing.  Which means that only a select number of lucky people will ever see our fabulous outfits located UNDER our coats.  You know, the outfits we spent all morning mixing & matching to perfection (which may or may not require a daily re-organization of closet space).

SO…your coat needs to be fabulous.  End of story.  You don’t necessarily need a crazy, wild and bold print – a simple neutral trench is fine!  As long as the coat compliments the outfit, and when you look in a window you’re passing you say, “dayuuuum!”

Here are some to-die-for outfit toppers I’m craving to stuff somewhere in between the bulky beauties already occupying my apartment:

Camel cape cloak JS090 winter coat jackat douable breasted loose fit brown handmade 20% off SALE

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So, ultimately, the pinch in the “puss” store was worth it.  I now have enough obsessive drive in me to last a lifetime.  Though, I may have to upgrade to a bigger closet soon.

Bundle up betchs – it’s gettin’ cold out there!

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