Growing up, whenever I would find myself obnoxiously sobbing because some brace-face adolescent hadn’t asked me to dance or hadn’t turned out to be the rom-com wonder boy of my dreams, my mother used to say a certain phrase to me again and again:
“You just wait until you’re in college – the boys will be all over you.”
And she was right. Except, in college, guys are all over you for the sole purpose of getting all up in you, to then walk right over you.
My point being that, while college life is a bundle of fun, and being single is the coveted way of life, it most definitely is not an environment that yields breeding of any kind of relationship. Mostly just breeding. Without the zygote result (at least that’s the plan).
And with that image stamped directly on the inside of your skull, I bring us to the topic at hand: online dating.
You see, by the time my senior year of college rolled into its final semester, I was, to put it bluntly, bored. Somewhere, amidst nights of sharing Red Headed Sluts at the local campus bar with hopes hight that he might finally be the diamond in the rough who’d actually remember my name post-hangover, reality bitch-slapped me across the face.
That just wasn’t gonna happen. No way, no how. And that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Sigh.
Alas, I remembered from some far off place in my psyche a recollection of an annoyingly cutesy commercial about two lost souls finding true love online.
Ta-da! The magical solution to my depression! The tylenol for the migraines caused by PDA-inclined couples who’s mission in life is to remind others how gaggingly adorable they are! The pepto bismol for my weak stomack at the sight of yet another facebook “we’re engaged” post! Ok, so you get it.
I set up a profile on one of the many magical websites out there on the world wide web, practically bursting with excitement thinking about all of the sexy, and more importantly, available men I was about to meet. After all, I personally know several couples who have found “the one” this way. (Side note: I never intended to find “the one.” I’m 22 for God’s sake. C’mon people – I was just looking for a little fun and something to shake up my everyday routine! Ok, back to business…)
While there’s no doubt there are definitely gems out there, the truth is that they are a rarity. The majority, as I quickly learned, is quite the opposite. The experiences that ensued are what I shall refer to as “The Series of Unfortunate Events.” Much like the popular book series, the tales of woe go on and on without so much as a blink of respite.
See, the thing about going on a blind date is that you never really know what that person will actually look or behave like. Their profile could picture them as an intellectual, drawn to cooking, sailing and listening to live music. And you think to yourself, “hey, this could work!” But then, upon further inspection of their personality face-to-face, one may find that the description more accurately reads: “Hello, I’m a mysogynistic douchebag who is doing this whole online dance thing for the sole purpose of hooking up.” Awesome, right?
Furthermore, as I have mentioned in my previous post on the tragedies of middle school fashion, I stand at a firm 5’8″ tall. Which, consequently, means that height is somewhat important to me. Should I be attracted to an individual and agree to meet in person, whereby I then realize he meets the legal height requirement to be gainfully employed at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, we have a problem. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but it’s just not gonna happen. Particularly in light of my shoe obsession (RE: I wear heels frequently). The sad truth is that as a couple, we would more closely resemble a mother and son. And that, my friends, is awkward on far too many levels (ha…pun intended).
Now, after having gone on my fair share of these unfortunate events (which, thankfully, have ended for good), I feel compelled to warn anyone who may be considering taking the dive into online dating.
For all the eligible bachelors out there, please heed this warning about what NOT to put on your profile. I have been known to not even take a glance at one’s “personality” should I come across any of these. What’s that you say? I’m a cruel bitch with no heart? Possibly. But, then again, I suppose we wouldn’t be compatible anyways. And as for all you eligible bachelorettes out there, read closely, for these are red flags that should ALWAYS be avoided. (Note: this list does not just pertain to men – however, this is where my experience is. I’m sure there are just as many women out there who look like sluts and tramps on the date-o-sphere. And for all of you gentlemen who have been forced to view such horror, I truly feel your pain.)
1. MIRROR PICS
No. Just, no. Do you mean to tell me you have not a single friend who’d be willing to snap a quick shot of you? Ah, so you want this to be a secret. News flash buddy, EVERYONE’S DOING IT. And if that’s not enough of a justification, then LIE. It’s that simple. Say it’s for your Linked In profile. Or tell your roommate your mom is making some kind of family tree collage and won’t shut up about getting a “recent” pic of you. I don’t care. Just don’t do a selfie.
2. SHIRTLESS PICS
It’s really special that you have washboard abs and that deep V every girl drools over. And believe you me, I’ll be drooling right along with the rest of the female population. That is, until I start flipping through five more semi-naked pics. One is hot. Any more than that? Now you’re just bragging. Who cares if the gym is your second home and your “disciplined” or whatever? My six pack would kick your six pack’s ass any day of the week. I’d show you but they only feel comfortable being out in public with the lights off. But, as a consolation prize, I’d be more than happy to offer you a glimpse of my six pack of coronas sitting in my fridge. I’ll even throw in a lime.
3. NO FACE
How the hell am I supposed to get any idea of what you look like when all I can see is your God-like torso? What exactly do you think is going to be achieved by avoiding being up front? Wouldn’t you be slightly less offended if someone didn’t respond to your question than if you ended up meeting and they were noticeably repulsed by your facial region? Food for thought: generally convos take place face-to-face, not face-to-chest. Well, unless a man is speaking to my breasts. Which is a whole other pet peeve. I digress.
4. NO BODY
Again, I ask you – what do you think will happen if we meet and I’m visibly shocked that you are 300 pounds? I don’t care if your body isn’t perfect (RE: my abs prefer darkness to light), and I fully believe in the power of a correct and flattering camera angle. However ,if you have zero pics that go beyond your face, I will automatically assume you are hiding something.
I’m a dog person. I love animals. I cuddle with my cocker spaniel on a daily basis. And I think it’s adorable and endearing if you have a pic of you and Sparky at your cabin. But the second you have one or more solo portraits of your best friend in place of an image of yourself, no thanks. I’m not looking to start a relationship with four legs and more hair than a wig shop.
If every one of your pics is a mugshot…buh-bye. Girls want to see someone who’s fun-loving and exciting. Not someone who could potentially have a rap sheet the size of Santa’s naughty and nice list.
(Oh, I get it. You’re trying to be Eminem. Congratulations, you’ve turned me off.)
Everyone looks hotter in aviators. It’s a proven fact. I’d do Carrot Top if he was rocking a pair. So, I ask you once more…what are you hiding?
Girls know the following about cars: __________________________.
“You know you’re a redneck if…”
10. OTHER GIRLS
Really? You thought it’d be a good idea to put that pic of you as a frat star with an arm draped over another chica wearing a belt for a skirt circa Christina Aguilera early 2000’s? You may think this gives you credibility and speaks to your “mad skillz,” but unless you have a blatant “this is my sister” caption, I’m going to think you’re a player. Plain and simple.
In closing, I remind you all that love is a mystery. It is a black hole of the unknown into which we seldom explore and never understand. It’s slim pickins out there, people. I advise you to choose wisely.
And just for fun, here’s a few more gems to ponder on…
(This screams “cat lady.”)
(Oh, you’re in a bamboo place? I never would have guessed.)
(I too enjoy spending my free time swinging in stairwells. Especially when I’m wearing my dorm room key around my neck.)
(Are we going for the hood rat look or the Asian tourist vibe? Either way, I’m hot and bothered. Clearly.)
(This has been a public safety announcement brought to you by the WADD* of America)
*Women Against Dating Douchebags
- What Online Dating and Personality Tests Mean for an Introvert (introvertelite.wordpress.com)
- Would you try online dating? (theeditgcu.wordpress.com)
- Online Dating (violetkim.com)
- Beauty Byte: Online Dating Gets Smelly (bellasugar.com)
- Blind Date Beauty: 5 Non-Negotiables (bellasugar.com)