I often find myself wondering what could possibly be going through people’s minds when they text. Alas, I have compiled a list of the top 10 most obnoxious texting nuances one should avoid like the plague. Take heed, fellow peers, for you may be guilty of several of these.
As in, “hey lady, what are you up to today?” I have a name. Please use it. Also, I’m 22, not 85. If I wanted you to call me Mrs. (insert last name here) and change my depends, I would let you know.
As in, “im good. how bout u? lol.” How is that funny? Are you actually laughing out loud? Or are you just uncomfortable holding a semi-normal conversation?
Again, I ask, are you truly rolling on the floor laughing? Because if you’re in any sort of public vacinity, I would certainly hope you aren’t. There’s all sorts of nasty shiz on those floors. Wouldn’t want to walk home with the clap, now would you?
4. Misspelling any sort of slang
As in “heh” in place of “hey.” I’m sorry, did you just cough? Because that’s what it looked like. What’s that you say? You were too lazy to add the “y” sound to the end of the word? It’s slang. It doesn’t need to get any shorter. And you’re texting, not speaking – as it turns out, “heh” requires the exact same amount of letters as “hey.” Also, for your information, spelling it different doesn’t make you cool or edgy. It makes you sound like a child who has to sound out letters when learning to read.
The exclamation point should be reserved for times when one is either excited, overly happy, quite angry, or when there is a sense of urgency surrounding an event. “alright!!!! see you then!!! i’ll pick you up at 8!!!!” People, people, people…it’s nice that you’re interested and excited, but a little mystery never hurt anyone. I prefer dating men, not puppies who take a piss on the floor the second you walk through the door.
It’s a wonderful habit to be on time to things, and to have a timely response to inquiries, particularly in a work environment. However, I do not spend my days sitting idly on my bed, staring at my phone. If I haven’t responded within two minutes of your text, it is quite possible I was actually busy. Perhaps I was making dinner. Or at work. Or, maybe I was taking a shit and thought it best to leave my portable device in the other room so as not to drop it in the toilet. Just a thought.
7. Timing – Pt. 2
On the other hand, while several minutes, or even within the hour, is an appropriate time to return a text or call (barring extenuating circumstances, of course), it is beyond annoying for you to take 5 hours to get back to me, and even MORE irritating when it takes days. However, nothing compares to when you just drop off the face of the earth, then a week or more later, I get a random text: “yeah, i’m down to hang out. when r u free?” What?? What are you even referring to? Oh…yeah…I asked you to hang out OVER A WEEK AGO.
Please, for the love of God, do not just send a text with a question mark. It’s rude. Your text reeks of impatience, and frankly, I think you can wait five seconds to know whether or not I prefer to eat at one restaurant over the other. If it requires the urgency equivelant to a hostage situation or if you’re trying to tell me that you’ve fallen into the toilet and are truly, embarassingly stuck and need a helping hand, then by all means, question mark the shit out of me. But until that moment, crack open a beer or do a little yoga or whatever. Just chill.
9. Making detailed plans
If we’re going to go back and forth for about 40 texts discussing whether or not we should meet at your place or mine before we go to the bars, what we’re both wearing, and whether we should drink wine or beer, CALL ME. It takes about a second to press “dial,” and our convo will most likely last under five minutes. You may even save yourself from experiencing tendonitis in your always-texting-joints.
This one word means nothing to me. Accompanied by others, it can be a conversation starter, or a simple ice breaker. However, if you simply text me “hey,” what exactly are you expecting as a response? I have no idea if I’m supposed to be telling you about my day, how I’m doing, or what my plans are for the night. Most likely, unless this is a precursor to another sentence, I will just ignore you. Or type back a “hey,” whereby you will respond with “what’s up?” and I will respond with “not much.” Then, we’ll do this little 1-2 word dance for the next 15 minutes until someone either asks an actual question, or just stops responding. And then, we’ll call that a conversation and add it to our ever-growing “friendship.”