Ch-ch-ch-chop it off!

The term “jean cut-offs” often conjures up horrifying images of men in jorts.  I don’t care how great your body is or if you look like freaking Jake Gyllenhaal, jorts are a giant no-go.  There’s nothing more unattractive than a man in a pair of what-were-once-still-ugly-and-out-of-date-pants that have managed to transform themselves into even-uglier-but-now-with-the-added-bonus-of-fringe shorts.  Gag.

However, as much of fashion goes, the second you throw a pair of fringed daisy dukes on either a woman or a gay, it suddenly becomes hot.  Dukes of Hazzard, anyone?  I’m so right.

Enter the dilemma of myself and women everywhere.  It’s a little situation I like to call the “crotch shot.”  I still have yet to identify why this particular situation occurs on EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF PANTS I EVER BUY, but I’ve come to terms with the hunch that it probably has to do with my child bearing hips and thighs.  Thanks, Mom.  What the “crotch shot” is, for those of you unfamiliar with the lovely side effects of having curves, is similar to the spidering effect on a windshield.  One day, you wake up, and there’s this little bitty hole on your inner thigh.  Pretty soon, it’s spread to your other thigh.  And pretty soon after that, it’s become a bay window through which the world is privy to viewing your hoo-ha anytime, anyplace.

I once had a French boyfriend (or lover, or vacation fling…or whatever you’re supposed to call it nowadays) who, as we sat talking in London’s Hyde Park, looked at me and pointed to my inner thigh, informing me that I had “holes.”  Of course, it was much cuter and romantic because he said it all French-y, but whatever.  They were still big enough to fit a fist through.  Or a kitten.  Or probably even a watermelon.

So, what does a girl do once her jeans have become public binoculars?!?! Why, she chops ’em into jorts!

STEP 1: button your jeans (don’t do this while you’re wearing them, obvi) and lay them on a flat surface, letting them align naturally as they would on your badonk.

STEP 2: take a pair of scissors and begin cutting from the inner thigh where the hole is, continuing straight across the pant leg – then repeat for the other side.

STEP 3: fold the edges into a small cuff (or large, depending on how high your holes form – ha…that sounds so sexual…oh, come on, you were totally thinking the same thing), then pin it in place using safety pins.

STEP 4: take a needle & thread, preferably in a navy or other color that won’t show, and stitch the cuff together about a quarter of an inch from the “top” of the cuff (the fringe side).

STEP 5: wear those babies like it’s your job.  

And there you have it: Jorts made simple.  But, still weird on straight men.  Seriously.


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